|Quinn and James want the keyboard while Wil hogs the mouse.|
This is a very special time of year for me. I keep thinking of all the things I couldn't do last year, hug my knees to my chest, be touched at all (my skin as a whole just hurt) or get dressed standing up. Tonight, I went to the hospital just to remember (and forget), the flower beds were the same, same smells in the air, same delightful gift shop. Last year, I would drive to the hospital and sit with Quinny and Wilson hoping that short few hours interaction was enough, I would share the 5th floor elevator with other worried NICU parents, lugging my hospital water mug around with 2 blue and 1 pink triplet NICU ID bracelets ( I was the self proclaimed Queen of the NICU), hating my flubby tummy in all the glass windows, body healing and body hurting, leaving half of my heart at the hospital. It was a wonderfully dramatic, stretching time for me. I am not sure I have processed it all out yet. I bottle up too much. I feel like there is tons of yuck sitting in the pit of my stomach that needs to come up.
A few weeks ago, some of the yuck came up, I was buying CC's birthday present at Toys r'us and I finally got some emotion up, I was tear streaked up to the cash register and it felt so good. The cashier asked if I was alright. "I'm fine I am just processing!" It really felt great to cry and I didn't stop myself, I believe I have been holding my breath this entire year for too long, keeping it together, not letting anything out that could unravel this wonderful, difficult, blessed life. I am so grateful to God, so much could have gone wrong. N8 has paid the price with me, I feel like he has been the anchor for all of us, he carries so much more of the burden.
I remember driving home from the hospital after the babies were born, looking at people on the street chatting, laughing and at ease. After birth or death happen, it takes a while to find yourself again. Sometimes, you think you will never be you again! But time passes and you find yourself, the hurting stops and soon you are one of those people on the sidewalk talking and chatting and most importantly laughing.
Right after the babies were born, my body kept bleeding. The doctors didn't catch it, my mother in law did. She and my mom ran for the Dr and I was given an emergency D&C and was about to be given a hysterectomy. I woke up in the ICU a day later and was awake long enough to dicker with Nathan about baby names. (You will thank me someday, Wilson) I woke up again a few days later. One of the nurses told me I had been given 11 units of blood, are any nurses around? Doesn't that replace an entire blood supply in a body my size? Those were some dark times for me, but I knew my family was safe with grandmas or nurses. I was so raring to go and get the show on the road, I hated that my body was slowing me down. I wanted to be happy, healthy and in a routine with my happy, healthy family. Well, I am now. As I stood in the NICU elevator tonight, I wanted to tell the worried parents next to me that it was going to be alright, ( I didn't just want to tell them, I wanted to hug them and hold them, but I refrained.) I wanted to say that I had done this a year ago and if I can do it- anyone can. EEEk, I am waxing emotional, I better cut out. I love this family and my life.