Lately, things have been gray. I know I am struggling too hard when I want to feel happy, I am doing everything right but all I feel is nothing. Nothing and bursts of anger when things don't line up like I want them to.
We were at the Temple the other night doing sealings. I wanted to be into it. The spirit was there, the people were friendly but I felt as though I was viewing them from a distance. Like it was a parade passing in front of me. I wanted to wink at Nate across the alter but it felt forced and fake. I am stuck in my head. This is not good. It may not even be anything that can be solved by a good night out with dear friends.
I was ready for church this morning and I just got so tired of pushing, convincing everyone to let me do their hair, wear tights, matching shoes, eat breakfast, be nice, go out so I could get ready... lately especially today, I have seen the facade of kindness slipping even further off my face. Instead of asking nicely, I am barking orders, short and concise. GET OUT. MOVE or I will kick your bum. Who am I? I'm not that bully mom. The ugly one that growls at her children and they in turn learn to growl at each other. All I can say is that there is nothing left. I am empty. What can recharge me more? Sleep or meditation. Right before we left for church James had an accident, I kicked off my shoes to help him get changed. Kicked a hole in the ceiling. I wasn't gentle enough- maybe I put a little too much pent up energy into it. I sat on the side of the tub and balled.
Nathan came in and gave me a gift, to stay home from church. So here I am desperate to recharge to be the person I know I am. But I have to write these feelings out, this is part of my getting over it. Here is my plan. Tidy the kitchen and read until my wet mascara tears dry. Then rest and dream of who I am, pray for help to recover from the evil that has taken over my heart and my mouth. Reconnect the synaspsis of my brain that are essencially downed electrical wires flying around damaging what is left of my human decency. I think I will go read poetry for a bit. Where is my sense of humor? It has always buoyed me up.