Lately, things have been gray. I know I am struggling too hard when I want to feel happy, I am doing everything right but all I feel is nothing. Nothing and bursts of anger when things don't line up like I want them to.
We were at the Temple the other night doing sealings. I wanted to be into it. The spirit was there, the people were friendly but I felt as though I was viewing them from a distance. Like it was a parade passing in front of me. I wanted to wink at Nate across the alter but it felt forced and fake. I am stuck in my head. This is not good. It may not even be anything that can be solved by a good night out with dear friends.
I was ready for church this morning and I just got so tired of pushing, convincing everyone to let me do their hair, wear tights, matching shoes, eat breakfast, be nice, go out so I could get ready... lately especially today, I have seen the facade of kindness slipping even further off my face. Instead of asking nicely, I am barking orders, short and concise. GET OUT. MOVE or I will kick your bum. Who am I? I'm not that bully mom. The ugly one that growls at her children and they in turn learn to growl at each other. All I can say is that there is nothing left. I am empty. What can recharge me more? Sleep or meditation. Right before we left for church James had an accident, I kicked off my shoes to help him get changed. Kicked a hole in the ceiling. I wasn't gentle enough- maybe I put a little too much pent up energy into it. I sat on the side of the tub and balled.
Nathan came in and gave me a gift, to stay home from church. So here I am desperate to recharge to be the person I know I am. But I have to write these feelings out, this is part of my getting over it. Here is my plan. Tidy the kitchen and read until my wet mascara tears dry. Then rest and dream of who I am, pray for help to recover from the evil that has taken over my heart and my mouth. Reconnect the synaspsis of my brain that are essencially downed electrical wires flying around damaging what is left of my human decency. I think I will go read poetry for a bit. Where is my sense of humor? It has always buoyed me up.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Latest and Greatest, Murray News
Nathan: Remember when you used to write on your blog every Sunday night?
Ahhh, the good ol' days. Back when it was really easy.
Only I didn't know it and I didn't think so at the time. How do you get on top of things so that the good ol' days are the ones you are living in, and not the ones you look back on?
I think my kids need a new car. The other day my friend Sylvia overheard Claire say to Hazel in all seriousness, 'Can you imagine someone driving to Boise in a car this small?', she drives a Durango. You mean, where you can't just lay out all over the seat and fall asleep Claire? Yah, millions of kids have to endure such a hardship.
So the time has come to sell the limo, it is old enough that it's probably not worth fixing for us anymore, it still runs fine but the little things are starting to add up. So if you know anyone that wants a limo cheapish, say 3 Grand. Lemme know. She has a few good years left in her and could make some high school kid very, very popular.
Whatever we get is gonna feel like a tin can compared to the limo. I will always and forever miss the privacy screen. Goodbye crying child. Goodbye bickering. We will unroll the window when you have fallen asleep or worked it out together.
I didn't much care for dropping my kids off at school with all the tiny cars tearing around me, trying to cut me off, big limo, tight spaces, tons of cars. Ugg.
So what carries 8 people, a minibus? Maybe.
Since we started putting everyone on gluten free at our house, and there are tons of gluten free goodies around, I have gained back the hard fought fifteen pounds I lost last spring. Sigh, back to the bottom of the heap again. But I love our new recreation center and I love exercise so I'll figure it out. Hazel is miserable, she makes no bones about that fact that gf food is not as good as "glutinous" food. Sorry sis. If I only had your discipline in refusing food based on minute scrutiny, subpar texture or slight flavor variations.
Nathan is working on his masters, he will be, for the next few years, taking one class at a time in Community and Economic Development. He's enjoying this semesters class and I hope he goes on loving it.
Mom and Dad are really moving to Boise, the house they are renting sells on the 14th of December. It is good for them but we will miss them like I can't even say.
I hope your heart can be filled with joy and gratitude this week. I will be focusing on it too. I can say that Heavenly Father does love each of us. He takes an active interest in our lives. I hope you get plenty of time to pray and feel peace. If you don't have the time or presence of mind to pray- pray for just that! I know for myself that it works.
Ahhh, the good ol' days. Back when it was really easy.
Only I didn't know it and I didn't think so at the time. How do you get on top of things so that the good ol' days are the ones you are living in, and not the ones you look back on?
I think my kids need a new car. The other day my friend Sylvia overheard Claire say to Hazel in all seriousness, 'Can you imagine someone driving to Boise in a car this small?', she drives a Durango. You mean, where you can't just lay out all over the seat and fall asleep Claire? Yah, millions of kids have to endure such a hardship.
So the time has come to sell the limo, it is old enough that it's probably not worth fixing for us anymore, it still runs fine but the little things are starting to add up. So if you know anyone that wants a limo cheapish, say 3 Grand. Lemme know. She has a few good years left in her and could make some high school kid very, very popular.
Whatever we get is gonna feel like a tin can compared to the limo. I will always and forever miss the privacy screen. Goodbye crying child. Goodbye bickering. We will unroll the window when you have fallen asleep or worked it out together.
I didn't much care for dropping my kids off at school with all the tiny cars tearing around me, trying to cut me off, big limo, tight spaces, tons of cars. Ugg.
So what carries 8 people, a minibus? Maybe.
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| Ghosty |
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| Vanellope Von Sweetz one of our favorite disney characters |
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| Battle zone, overwhelmed, anxiety, constant onslaught, never can sit down, so many to-dos that I find I hide myself in the work, sometimes it's not funny, sometimes nothing is funny, and sometimes the sun shines just right and well, it is. I've come up for air. |
Nathan is working on his masters, he will be, for the next few years, taking one class at a time in Community and Economic Development. He's enjoying this semesters class and I hope he goes on loving it.
Mom and Dad are really moving to Boise, the house they are renting sells on the 14th of December. It is good for them but we will miss them like I can't even say.
I hope your heart can be filled with joy and gratitude this week. I will be focusing on it too. I can say that Heavenly Father does love each of us. He takes an active interest in our lives. I hope you get plenty of time to pray and feel peace. If you don't have the time or presence of mind to pray- pray for just that! I know for myself that it works.
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| Can someone tell me why I bring a stroller? Right, so I can take the pictures |
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Family Update
In May, my (retired) parents sold their Texas home and decided to come help us. They found a house to rent on our street, really, a few doors down! Boy, going from having no family in town to having parents on our street has been wonderful. Actually, it seems like we traded our good friends the Nemelkas, that lived next door for my parents. Mom and Dad literally moved in the same day the Nemelkas moved out. It cushioned the blow of losing Amanda and Jeff. So did the fact that the Culvers (new neighbors) seem sociable, fun and patient...
So we have these wonderful Mary Poppins grandparents that are here until the wind changes and we are putting them to good use. My dad is building a playhouse/shed in the backyard of his own design. We are adding on a breakfast nook in the kitchen and making the basement a more pleasant place. My mom is fun and crazy useful and can help out in a pinch.
The new recreation center opened in Provo. My life just keeps getting better and better. They have daycare! They also have awesome swimming outdoor/indoor, kids classes and yoga.
We made July our month of travel but not by car, we decided to use our feet (older girls hate it) and take the bus or front runner everywhere. So far we have loved it. I did forget that swim lessons were this month so I am driving a bit for my own sanity. We have taken the bus with the kids and walked most places with them. I enjoy living where we have the flexibility to walk. Our location is amazing, not a ton of space but who's complaining? I love the neighbors.
So we can swim, go to the library, visit friends, take the bus and really get out now. Life is opening up since the babies are getting older, and with my mother here, I'm less trapped than ever.
I still haven't made a swimming pool in the bed of our truck, and I still haven't made a ride thru bike wash out of PVC pipe. I feel like the summer is already gone! Maybe next year kids. And next year on the flower beds too.
So we have these wonderful Mary Poppins grandparents that are here until the wind changes and we are putting them to good use. My dad is building a playhouse/shed in the backyard of his own design. We are adding on a breakfast nook in the kitchen and making the basement a more pleasant place. My mom is fun and crazy useful and can help out in a pinch.
The new recreation center opened in Provo. My life just keeps getting better and better. They have daycare! They also have awesome swimming outdoor/indoor, kids classes and yoga.
We made July our month of travel but not by car, we decided to use our feet (older girls hate it) and take the bus or front runner everywhere. So far we have loved it. I did forget that swim lessons were this month so I am driving a bit for my own sanity. We have taken the bus with the kids and walked most places with them. I enjoy living where we have the flexibility to walk. Our location is amazing, not a ton of space but who's complaining? I love the neighbors.
So we can swim, go to the library, visit friends, take the bus and really get out now. Life is opening up since the babies are getting older, and with my mother here, I'm less trapped than ever.
I still haven't made a swimming pool in the bed of our truck, and I still haven't made a ride thru bike wash out of PVC pipe. I feel like the summer is already gone! Maybe next year kids. And next year on the flower beds too.
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| Trying to recreate a favorite Norman Rockwell painting of a girl losing her first tooth. Hazel was pretty gracious about Claire snatching her "first". |
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| Us on the Bus |
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| Quinn and her dad |
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| Nate and I walk a few blocks to the Hub and get on the train to Salt Lake for a date |
Boot Camp
Maybe you would look at me and think I am just a normal gal. But over the last few years I have grown so much-- I'm not taking about when pregnant with triplets, five feet around and tipping the scales at 250lbs. I mean my heart, on the inside, what I can endure, what I am capable of carrying.
I guess I wonder how tough I am now, compared to how tough I was before. I wonder if I could hack it at boot camp.
Could I handle a drill sergent yelling in my face. Well, the kids do it to me all the time and I love them like crazy. Constant yelling and babbling, crying and screaming. Hands outstretched to be carried, demands real or imagined that need to be met, the pressure that comes with saying yes (now I have to facilitate something, pull out paint, crayons, mix cakes and clean -up afterwards, all the while fighting off babies so the girls can have an activity) and weight on my heart that comes for saying no. Babies dropping things, ruining things, climbing on counters, water spills, food fights, food wasting, constantly tripping over little people, little people scrums where they all fall over and cry. My heart could be torn in a thousand pieces if I let it.
Exhaustion. I have been wearied to the very core of my soul. So I wonder, if boot camp might not be a little bit of a break.
I guess I wonder how tough I am now, compared to how tough I was before. I wonder if I could hack it at boot camp.
Could I handle a drill sergent yelling in my face. Well, the kids do it to me all the time and I love them like crazy. Constant yelling and babbling, crying and screaming. Hands outstretched to be carried, demands real or imagined that need to be met, the pressure that comes with saying yes (now I have to facilitate something, pull out paint, crayons, mix cakes and clean -up afterwards, all the while fighting off babies so the girls can have an activity) and weight on my heart that comes for saying no. Babies dropping things, ruining things, climbing on counters, water spills, food fights, food wasting, constantly tripping over little people, little people scrums where they all fall over and cry. My heart could be torn in a thousand pieces if I let it.
Exhaustion. I have been wearied to the very core of my soul. So I wonder, if boot camp might not be a little bit of a break.
Swimming
The pool is 8 blocks away. Only 8 blocks! I require myself to walk it. So, I load the babies, the sunscreen, the puddle jumpers, towels, a change of clothes and diapers, snacks and sippy cups.
I get the bikes out for the girls, sometimes my friend Hannah Lee comes with me or Lucy the neighbor girl or sometimes I go alone.
By the time I have everything loaded into the stroller, there is no room for anything for me. Not even a towel. So, I wear my swimming suit to to walk the 8 blocks to the pool and I wear it home, wet legs slapping together as I cross the road. I'm only mentioning this in case you have seen me, now you know that I am not trying to look like a wanton woman running around in my nothins'.
However, even if I did have room to bring a towel or change of clothes, I probably wouldn't. If I took the time to change, someone would be playing in the toilet of the family changing room, and someone else would be testing the pool/pee wet floor with their tongue. Get into the pool and get home. That's my motto.
I get the bikes out for the girls, sometimes my friend Hannah Lee comes with me or Lucy the neighbor girl or sometimes I go alone.
By the time I have everything loaded into the stroller, there is no room for anything for me. Not even a towel. So, I wear my swimming suit to to walk the 8 blocks to the pool and I wear it home, wet legs slapping together as I cross the road. I'm only mentioning this in case you have seen me, now you know that I am not trying to look like a wanton woman running around in my nothins'.
However, even if I did have room to bring a towel or change of clothes, I probably wouldn't. If I took the time to change, someone would be playing in the toilet of the family changing room, and someone else would be testing the pool/pee wet floor with their tongue. Get into the pool and get home. That's my motto.
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| Triplets are the orange puddle jumpers. Sitting by Wilson is our buddy Hannah Lee. Hannah, sorry I didn't ask your permission to be photographed or posted. How do you feel about being posted on my blog pregnant in your swim suit? I didn't think so. |
Friday, July 12, 2013
Snap Judgement
It is common for us seeing ones attempts at parenting, wow, she is a good mother, or wow bad mommy. I had this experience the other day.
One of the perks of living downtown is that we are a stones throw from lots of wild entertainment. I woke the babies and Hazel up early for such an occasion Nathan was running a race that started around six am. We walked down to cheer him at this finish line, then walk home with him.
While we waited for him near the finish line of a half marathon the crowd was asked by the police to cross to other side of the street. I had the babies in the triplet stroller, Hazel and Claire on bikes. We waited for a break in the racers and I ran across. The girls weren't as quick at gauging their timing as I and they got in the way of a runner. He didn't fall but I saw he was visibly upset with the girls. I felt really bad about my judgement in crossing when I did. In reacting to those feelings, I grabbed Claire while she was still on her bike, picked her up, none too gentle and pulled her bike out of the way of the racers. I did the same with Hazel. I didn't make it look nice, it was clumsy, I was frustrated, embarrassed and sorry. When I dropped Claire back on her bike, I heard a guy yell at me from behind, Hey lady! and Whoa lady! Geez, lady! (I'm not sure I like being called lady even on a good day.)
I felt even worse, but I rallied and in the end, all the cheering the children and I did, made up for any downward dip my emotions experienced about the race crossing.
I sort of wish that instead of saying in our minds a quick judgement, bad mom, or good mom. We could say something that is exactly as we see it, not just a judgement for all time. Wow, that mom seems more worried about the racers feelings than her own childrens' feelings. Or, that mom is acting out of guilt and concern over what just happened with that racer. See, no bad mom here, just a mom that is trying. Like we all are.
One of the perks of living downtown is that we are a stones throw from lots of wild entertainment. I woke the babies and Hazel up early for such an occasion Nathan was running a race that started around six am. We walked down to cheer him at this finish line, then walk home with him.
While we waited for him near the finish line of a half marathon the crowd was asked by the police to cross to other side of the street. I had the babies in the triplet stroller, Hazel and Claire on bikes. We waited for a break in the racers and I ran across. The girls weren't as quick at gauging their timing as I and they got in the way of a runner. He didn't fall but I saw he was visibly upset with the girls. I felt really bad about my judgement in crossing when I did. In reacting to those feelings, I grabbed Claire while she was still on her bike, picked her up, none too gentle and pulled her bike out of the way of the racers. I did the same with Hazel. I didn't make it look nice, it was clumsy, I was frustrated, embarrassed and sorry. When I dropped Claire back on her bike, I heard a guy yell at me from behind, Hey lady! and Whoa lady! Geez, lady! (I'm not sure I like being called lady even on a good day.)
I felt even worse, but I rallied and in the end, all the cheering the children and I did, made up for any downward dip my emotions experienced about the race crossing.
I sort of wish that instead of saying in our minds a quick judgement, bad mom, or good mom. We could say something that is exactly as we see it, not just a judgement for all time. Wow, that mom seems more worried about the racers feelings than her own childrens' feelings. Or, that mom is acting out of guilt and concern over what just happened with that racer. See, no bad mom here, just a mom that is trying. Like we all are.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Darn The French
I recently read a sample of a book called, French Children Eat Everything. I was so inspired by their eating habits, I decided to put some of them into play that very night. I made a really delicious Ratatouille with zucchini and cauliflower, mushrooms, peppers, onions and loads of tomatoes and garlic.
In the french opinion, if your children don't like something, it is because they haven't tried it enough, americans don't let their children try healthy food enough before they give up serving it. We sat down to eat, well some of us did. Hazel was bouncing up and down in panic mode, 'I'm not gonna eat that!' Flapping her hands and grabbing her mouth. Because that behavior is her usual custom for anything without sugar in it, I was undeterred. I turned to the babies, Wilson was lapping it up. Quinn was tentative, James was smearing it all over his tray, he wouldn't even try it. Claire was tolerant.
Kindly, I held James' hands so he couldn't refuse and started feeding him. His reply was gagging and intermittent sharp cries. Quinn started to cry, fearing for James. I plied James with a few more bites.
By the end of the meal, it had escalated to this, Quinn threw up because she was upset for James, James and Hazel were crying because they didn't want to eat it, Claire wet her pants out of some sympathetic reaction to our family crisis and Wilson asked for another bowl.
For right now, just eating around the table without anyone crawling on it or throwing their food is a major victory for us. I chose to be happy with that.
In the french opinion, if your children don't like something, it is because they haven't tried it enough, americans don't let their children try healthy food enough before they give up serving it. We sat down to eat, well some of us did. Hazel was bouncing up and down in panic mode, 'I'm not gonna eat that!' Flapping her hands and grabbing her mouth. Because that behavior is her usual custom for anything without sugar in it, I was undeterred. I turned to the babies, Wilson was lapping it up. Quinn was tentative, James was smearing it all over his tray, he wouldn't even try it. Claire was tolerant.
Kindly, I held James' hands so he couldn't refuse and started feeding him. His reply was gagging and intermittent sharp cries. Quinn started to cry, fearing for James. I plied James with a few more bites.
By the end of the meal, it had escalated to this, Quinn threw up because she was upset for James, James and Hazel were crying because they didn't want to eat it, Claire wet her pants out of some sympathetic reaction to our family crisis and Wilson asked for another bowl.
For right now, just eating around the table without anyone crawling on it or throwing their food is a major victory for us. I chose to be happy with that.
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