Hurt Your Eyes

This is right before the babies were born, my sweet mom came to help me the last few weeks, she kept on telling me that I looked good. Only recently has she told me how much her eyes hurt to look at me and how she would only look at me from the shoulders up.

CCs birthday party last year. I just keep thinking about how much I love and am grateful to not be hurting and to be able to move without enormous amounts of willpower. So eat it up people, be glad it wasn't you, but I love that I DID this!

Guest Bloggers

For the triplets 1st birthday-- ahem, March 25th I will ask them on as guests on my blog.

Quinn and James want the keyboard while Wil hogs the mouse. 

This is a very special time of year for me. I keep thinking of all the things I couldn't do last year, hug my knees to my chest, be touched at all (my skin as a whole just hurt) or get dressed standing up. Tonight, I went to the hospital just to remember (and forget), the flower beds were the same, same smells in the air, same delightful gift shop. Last year,  I would drive to the hospital and sit with Quinny and Wilson hoping that short few hours interaction was enough, I would share the 5th floor elevator with other worried NICU parents, lugging my hospital water mug around with 2 blue and 1 pink triplet NICU ID bracelets ( I was the self proclaimed Queen of the NICU), hating my flubby tummy in all the glass windows, body healing and body hurting, leaving half of my heart at the hospital. It was a wonderfully dramatic, stretching time for me. I am not sure I have processed it all out yet. I bottle up too much. I feel like there is tons of yuck sitting in the pit of my stomach that needs to come up. 

A few weeks ago, some of the yuck came up, I was buying CC's birthday present at Toys r'us and I finally got some emotion up, I was tear streaked up to the cash register and it felt so good. The cashier asked if I was alright. "I'm fine I am just processing!" It really felt great to cry and I didn't stop myself, I believe I have been holding my breath this entire year for too long, keeping it together, not letting anything out that could unravel this wonderful, difficult, blessed life. I am so grateful to God, so much could have gone wrong. N8 has paid the price with me, I feel like he has been the anchor for all of us, he carries so much more of the burden.

I remember driving home from the hospital after the babies were born, looking at people on the street chatting, laughing and at ease. After birth or death happen, it takes a while to find yourself again. Sometimes, you think you will never be you again! But time passes and you find yourself, the hurting stops and soon you are one of those people on the sidewalk talking and chatting and most importantly laughing.

Right after the babies were born, my body kept bleeding. The doctors didn't catch it, my mother in law did. She and my mom ran for the Dr and I was given an emergency D&C and was about to be given a hysterectomy. I woke up in the ICU a day later and was awake long enough to dicker with Nathan about baby names. (You will thank me someday, Wilson) I woke up again a few days later. One of the nurses told me I had been given 11 units of blood, are any nurses around? Doesn't that replace an entire blood supply in a body my size? Those were some dark times for me, but I knew my family was safe with grandmas or nurses. I was so raring to go and get the show on the road, I hated that my body was slowing me down. I wanted to be happy, healthy and in a routine with my happy, healthy family. Well, I am now. As I stood in the NICU elevator tonight, I wanted to tell  the worried parents next to me that it was going to be alright, ( I didn't just want to tell them, I wanted to hug them and hold them, but I refrained.) I wanted to say that I had done this a year ago and if I can do it- anyone can. EEEk, I am waxing emotional, I better cut out. I love this family and my life.

It's For Them

Disneyland last year, look at Hazels feet- not even touching the ground

Flashback: When I was a little girl, my family and I went to the store. My eye was caught by a wedding dress there that would fit a beloved doll of mine. I begged for it, and I cried too, I wasn't trying to manipulate my parents, I really needed it. My dad explained that mom could sew me an even better wedding dress for my doll but in my childish fashion, I wanted THAT one.
My parents went down the isle a little way to discuss, I eavesdropped. I remember hearing that my mom didn't want to give in, then hearing my dad say that if I thought that dress would truly make me happy then they should get it for me.

In one of the few battles I ever remember winning, my parents relented graciously and bought the over priced, mom-can-sew-a-better-one wedding dress. All of my sisters were at the store and they bought that dress for only me (of course I had to share it). I don't remember the others getting anything. Believe me when I say, we were not spoiled children. That is why this experience affected me so profoundly. I was so grateful. That little victory was my special day.

Flashback Again: Before the babies were born, I worried about how it would be for Hazel and CC with 3 babies at home. As a mother, I have a strong desire to give my children life experiences. Talking with Nathan, we decided we should do a fun vacation. Grammy Pammy's cousin, Kathy works at Disneyland and had an 'in" so six months pregnant with triplets we took off for Disneyland.

Pride and kinship with Tinkerbell

Simpering overpowering can't-even-stand-it-I-just-met-Rosetta at Disneyland (Tinkerbell)

I got to ride Dumbo and the Teacups, oh, and my motorized wheelchair that I accidentally ran Hazel over with

The girls wanted to visit the princesses over and over,  N8 wanted to poke his eyes out with a dull fork. There were so many other things to see and do. I didn't want us to be one of those parents that pushed and pushed to get to the next thing or jump in the next line. I remembered the wedding dress experience when I was a child. Let them have their day. It's for them. If they want to stand in line for princesses 3 times in one day, let them, this is what they want, it is for them. I don't want them to look back and think, Oh that was horrible, my parents pushed and pushed.

  At Disneyland, Hazel wanted to pet goats for about an hour, I think it felt safe to her after all the overwhelming excitement of getting there

To Each His Own

I took Hazel and CC on a date the other night, just us gals. We saw the Muppets and went to the mall.

At the movies we stepped into the restroom. A mother and her young daughter were washing hands at the sinks. The little girl was having trouble turning her tap off so her mom stepped over to help, turned off her child's tap, inadvertently forgot her own running tap, and walked out.
I looked after her while I washed up, "glad I don't have a scattered brain like that!" I said to myself as I  left the tap running and walked out. At least I caught myself!

While at the mall, I took the girls to Claire's boutique and told them to find something they liked. I want my kids to make clothing choices now so that I can see the pattern of their likes and dislikes, they can find who they are and decide their own style and I can help along the way.

Hazel and CC sporting their fine new headbands

Every headband was tried on and discarded, every hat and pair of glasses refused. CC finally found her perfect headband, Hazel finally found her perfect...err the picture says it all. Earmuffs. She was so in love with the ear muffs. "Mom! These are so perfect for me! I love them!"  To each his own. Hazel found it unconscionable that CC got to wear her headband to church and she didn't get to wear hers.

Regarding Today...

If one more person stiff backs me or jelly legs me while I am trying to change or diaper them, you will find me clinging to the chandelier in the front room when you come over. Kindly check me into the insane asylum, I am grateful for your assistance.

Sherry

Something Done Right

I have to applaud to my daughters Hazel and CC,

These are the things that are going well for us as a family right now. Hazel and CC are extremely generous with the babies. They will do anything for them, they are more dotting aunt, than 4 year old big sisters. I watched Hazel play with James and Wilson the other day, they crawled all over her, pulling her hair and squawking, she just laughed and laughed. Here I am thinking, the girls are going to resent the babies because of all these reasons and here they are choosing outfits and reading books. It's not all roses, but I wanted to present something I am really proud of, I want to honor my girls- for being generous hearts. 

Often find myself saying "HAZEL!! Play something else, James is not a Hugball!" *will someone define hugball for me? Oh well, at least she loves him.

Words the Babies understand at 11 months,

Bottle- don't say the word unless you have one. Everyone starts whining like they are on death row. James and Quinn know to go to their feeding spot in front of James's bed where I sit on the floor and feed them. Wils just start crying frozen in fear that he will miss out, til I pick him up and take him over to the bottle station.

Walk- I say "you want to go on a walk?' and everyone is lumping it for the front door. They love walks and will freeze to their seats before they complain.

No No- Quinn gets it. But she does it anyway.

Bite- A bite means food, any food. "Wilson you want a bite?" and he will come from whichever room he is playing in and find me for his bite.

We are working on the following words:

No taking away

Give to 

Share

I think since the baby wars have begun. For me to survive it, I need the babies to understand those words. I am not going to play referee for them, I will teach correctness to them to them, but I don't want to be the judge again, all the time, eventually they will get it figured out, might take years. I have two older girls I refereed until I read a books called " Siblings Without Rivalry" I realized they need to learn to work it out themselves. 

Here is how it goes, Wilson has a toy, Quinn takes it from him, he cries, so I show him something else to play with, the new toy with bright colors and noises peaks James and Quinnys attention and they both go for it. Wilson gets his old toy back and James and Quinn are wrestling for the new toy, here we go again. 

Hair pulling is still a problem, I think Wilson is the sneakiest, he moves the slowest so he flies under my radar and I usually don't protect whoever I am changing until it is too late. He also has unexpectedly fast hands, he shoots his hand out and Little Lord Fauntleroy is in tears over his torn curls.

We have tough times and times of greatness at our house but these are the things I am seeing right now...over and out.

First Haircuts Before and After

We will start with Quinny, she didn't get a haircut but she is a splash of color amidst the hues of blues

His shirt says it all, Born to be Wild

Check me out people!

Observe the wispy, curly tufts above his ears and scattered about his head

Fresh, so fresh

Now take a good look in the mirror. When was the last time YOU had a haircut?